AXEL (The Beckett Boys, Book Eight) Read online

  No. Because I freaked out and pushed her away, and I’m too embarrassed and don’t know what to do.

  He must read my answer on my face, because he gives me a wry smile. “We’re quite the pair, aren’t we?”

  I just nod. I don’t know what else to do. I wasn’t expecting to bond with her father about how I lost her. But I also wasn’t expecting him to be so blunt with me, so open.

  “Why?” I finally ask him. “Why did you not even listen to my proposal?”

  Charles sighs, shifts. “Because I didn’t think you deserved her. I didn’t want to encourage you talking to her.” He looks at me. “I’ve made some horrible mistakes in my life, but this was the worst. She won’t talk to me now.”

  I sigh. “I suppose she has good reason to not speak to either of us.”

  Her dad eyes me. “I don’t know how to fix this.”

  “I don’t know that we can,” I admit to him. “The best I can do is try to be a better person than I was.”

  And it’s true. It’s fucking true. Since I broke up with Kendra, I’ve been unable to stop thinking about her. Missing her. Wondering how I can make it in life without her smile. She inspired me, made me feel alive.

  And now I have to do that for myself.

  We stare at each other for a moment.

  “Axel.” He eyes me hard. “I don’t know what it is about you, but my daughter loves you. I tried to stop it. But she was willing to leave me because of you.”

  The oxygen locks in my lungs, hearing it put that way. I suspected that she had moved out, but hearing him articulate it like this reinforced it for me. “I would do anything for her,” I say plainly.

  “Would you?” Charles arches a brow at me. “I’m not the one you need to prove that to.”

  He’s right. I need to show my change to Kendra. But I’m not there yet. I have more in my life to fix. I have growth I have to accomplish. And then I can come to her, a man who is ready for her, who deserves her. Right now, that isn’t me.

  Charles leaves, and I sit in the house, alone. Look around at these walls like it’s my last time. Which I suppose it is. I’ll be finding my own apartment soon, moving out of here. This place is going to be flattened to the ground to make way for the mall.

  A house can’t represent family for me.

  I have to let it go.

  Because my brothers are still here, still around. But I’ve been mad that they weren’t willing to connect with me in the way I wanted. On my ground, my terms.

  It’s time to let that go, to stop being hung up on those things. It’s time to not compare them to the past, but to accept them as they are. Hope that they can accept me. That we can forge some kind of a relationship as we are now.

  Kendra was right, so damn right, and I have to accept that, even though it’s hard to admit as much.

  I linger on the first floor there for a while, meandering around blindly. Not sure what to do. The mall deal is supposed to finalize soon—he just has to file the paperwork and get a few more homeowners to finish their own documents. I have to let this house go. It was never mine to begin with.

  The thought is just as disturbing as it is freeing.

  I get on my motorcycle and head to Fugitives. I haven’t been there since I quit. But for some reason, I want to see Hale. Want to know what he’s doing, how the restaurant is surviving.

  I get to the parking lot and park, then step inside. There’s a decent crowd, with good music playing over the loudspeakers. People are swaying as they talk. Hale was always good about figuring out what customers wanted to hear.

  I stroll up to the bar. Hale and the part-time guy he hired before I quit are there, slinging drinks from the beer taps and serving food. They’re working the crowd with broad smiles, and for a moment, I miss being here with them.

  It’s better now that I don’t work here, but I miss the closeness with my brother.

  He spots me, and I see the smile slide off his face. His brows dip in concern.

  I hold my hands up in a symbol of surrender.

  Hale studies me another moment, then moves away from behind the bar. He steps toward me. “Hey.”

  “Hey,” I reply back. Now that I’m here, I don’t know what to say. I’m so fucking awkward. How do I apologize for months of grievances? How do I let him know how I feel about him, that I want a real relationship with him? This shit is hard. How the fuck do people do this?

  Hale rubs his jaw. “Um. So, did you need something?”

  And now it’s on me. I shift. “I…I wanted to apologize.” The words spill out before I know what to do with them.

  “Oh, is that right?” His eyes are hard on mine. He clearly doesn’t know what to think about what I’m saying. Not that I can blame him. Last time I was here, I was a dick.

  I draw in a slow breath. “I didn’t end things well with us. I was mad because…” Say it, Axel, I demand of myself. “Because I felt like I was just the half-brother, not as important. And I had a chip on my shoulder, even if it wasn’t fair.”

  “I don’t view you that way,” Hale says, his eyes filled with concern as he looks at me. “I mean…I know when you first moved in that it took time for us to adjust, but I feel like we overcame that. Maybe I was wrong.” He shrugs.

  “No, I…” I steel myself and admit the rawness I’m feeling. “I never felt like I belonged, but I know part of that was me. I never saw myself as equal, so I assumed you guys didn’t either.”

  His eyes are sad as he scrutinizes me for several long moments of silence.

  I look away. “Anyway. I fucked up with the way I quit, and I wanted to apologize and make amends. I don’t know if we can go back to what we had, but I’d like to.”

  “I would too,” Hale murmurs. “I’ve missed having you around here.”

  “You have?” I can’t help the shocked way I sound.

  He frowns. “Of course I have. You were an integral part of getting this place up and running.” He claps my shoulder. “And…you’re my brother. I’ve missed you.”

  I don’t know how to deal with the sharp warmth spreading through my sternum. I’ve never heard one of my brothers say this before, that they miss me. I just look at him in surprise.

  “Anyway.” Hale clears his throat, like he’s embarrassed to, not just me. “It was good to see you at the picnic. And the girl you brought…she’s sweet at hell. I hope you’re still seeing her. Phoebe liked her a lot.”

  My heart is thudding so hard that I’m sure he can hear it. “I fucked up with her. But I want to win her back. I just don’t know how.”

  For the first time ever, Axel looks at me with empathy. Not just sympathy, but like he gets where I am. “Fuck. I know exactly how you feel, bro. But you’re on the right fucking path. Just keep working on bettering yourself.”

  The words sound simple, but they bolster me, enough to make me smile. I give Hale a hug with a bro pat on the back, and he does the same.

  It’s the closest we’ve been in years.

  I head back home and for the first time, take an honest look around. The place is run-down, tired. Empty. All of my brothers have left, and I’ve been holding on to something that doesn’t exist anymore.

  I see it now.

  For the first time, I’m ready to truly let this place go. To move toward my own happiness and not obsess over what was in the past. Things are never going to be what they were. And that’s a positive. They shouldn’t be. My brothers realized it before I did…this place isn’t good for us.

  If I’m going to grow, I have to let the past go and evolve.

  Time for me to move out. Move forward. I spend the next few days packing, clearing my shit out of there. Deciding what I want to take with me into my new place.

  I was one of the last in the neighborhood to sign, and Charles sends me a message when the last holdout is gone. They’re ready to move forward with building the mall now.

  On demolition day, I can’t help but be here, watch the neighborhood as it’s ripped down
and changed into something else.

  Charles claps a hand on my shoulder. “You did the right thing,” he says, giving me a nod of respect. “I know this was hard, but your future is going to be great.”

  “It had better,” I joke. “You’re destroying the place I used to live.”

  The man on the large demolition equipment rolls through, and the neighborhood is being ripped down before I realize it. Flattened. Soon enough, there’s nothing but rubble on my street staring at me. I can hardly believe it. Years gone in a flash.

  But I’m the only one here looking at it. Everyone else took the deal and left this place behind.

  “Take care of the old place,” I tell Charles.

  “I will,” he promises.

  There’s a respect between us now. We both lost Kendra, and we’re both suffering for it. I know he didn’t intend for it to go that far, and he’s clearly regretful. That much is evident, given by his dealings with me now.

  I watch the demolition for a few more minutes, and then I walk away. I have more to worry about now than the past. I have my future ahead of me.

  Kendra

  “We should be wild,” Michelle is saying to me. “You’re too boring. Let’s go get tattoos.”

  “No,” I protest without thinking. I can’t step into a parlor; it’s going to remind me of what I left behind, what’s missing from my life. Axel.

  “But this place looks awesome,” she says, pointing to the shop we’re about to pass.

  When I see the name on the storefront, I feel like I might faint.

  My world begins spinning.

  Beckett Tattoos. That’s what the sign says.

  It’s a swanky joint, with amazing artwork decorating the exterior. I can see through the massive glass windows that the interior is just as thoroughly decorated. Different examples of tattoos cover the walls, and there are several people crowded in the lobby, waiting to get ink.

  I can’t believe what I’m seeing. The joint is clearly popular. Axel made his dream come true—he has his own tattoo shop, and it’s successful.

  “Let’s go in,” Michelle says. I can tell by the way she’s looking at me that she must have intended to bring me here.

  Maybe she wants me to conquer my demons, maybe she thinks it will help me climb out of my depression and sadness over losing him. But she’s wrong.

  “I can’t,” I protest, turning away. Axel is in my past, despite how much my body and my heart aches for him. I can’t do this—can’t be the bigger person, pretending like I never had feelings for the man. When he told me I was nothing more than a complicated one-night stand, it broke me.

  “Don’t be silly,” she says, grabbing my hand and tugging me inside.

  I lean away from her, removing my hand from her death grip, and look around. The place is amazing, just as Axel said it would be. Artistic, filled with pieces that draw my interest. Good music flooding through the sound system. The artists he has working for him are at their stations, chatting amiably with customers, the buzz of tattoo machines filling the air.

  I don’t belong here. This is his place. My heart lurches, and suddenly I want to leave. I can’t be here. It makes me feel too much. Miss too much. I wanted to help him get this place going. And he did…without me.

  “I…gotta go,” I tell Michelle blindly, and I fumble for the door.

  “Kendra,” a husky voice says, stopping me in my tracks.

  I close my eyes for a moment, then turn around, heart sunk all the way to my feet. I didn’t actually think I’d see him.

  Everything fades away as he walks toward me. He looks as beautiful and sexy and compelling as he did before, and it’s so fucking unfair. He should be as destroyed as I feel. Should be busted and miserable. But there’s life in his eyes that I haven’t seen before, and it almost hurts to look at him, like trying to stare at a solar eclipse.

  He’s brilliant, glorious, and I’m hopeless.

  He doesn’t touch me, just stands near me, peering down. “I wanted to contact you but I was waiting until the shop had its first fully profitable month and paid all of its debts back.” He pauses, and I see a smile crease his face. “That’s officially today.”

  I’m so glad for him. So glad, but my heart aches so badly that I can’t speak to him. “I’m happy it worked out for you,” I say in a choked voice. I have to get out of here before I embarrass myself. Because I’m falling apart, and he’s going to see it, and it will just make me feel stupid. Axel is doing fine without me, that much is clear.

  I spin on my heels and head toward the door. I can’t do this. It’s terrible, and selfish, but my whole body is screaming at me to get outside and run away before he can see how hurt I am, how much I miss him.

  I shove the doors open and turn left, just stomping down the sidewalk without really paying attention to where I’m going.

  “Kendra,” I hear him bark, and I find my feet stumbling to still, despite my brain screaming at me to go, go, go.

  My gut tugs at me from the desperation in his voice; I slow in my path. His hand wraps around my forearm, and I force myself to spin toward him, even though seeing him makes my heart ache so badly that I want to cry.

  “Kendra,” he whispers. His eyes are heavy with emotion. I don’t know what to think.

  “I’m glad your business worked out,” I make myself say. It’s the least I can do. “Looks like you’re in a good spot.”

  “Your father was the one who gave me the financing to start the place.”

  Those words make me freeze in shock. “What?”

  “We’ve actually become…friends.” Axel gives me a wry smile. “Which is ironic, since both he and I lost you.” He pauses, and then one hand is reaching up, hesitant, and brushes my jaw. “I’ve missed you so fucking much.”

  My heart skips a beat at his words. So much has changed since I saw him—not just for me, but for him. I don’t know what to say.

  “I missed you too,” I manage to choke out.

  “Your father has missed you as well. You should give him a call. He’s not the same man he was.” He grabs my hand and clenches my fingers in his. I’ve never seen him so serious. His eyes are locked on mine.

  When he drops to one knee, I’m so overwhelmed that I can’t even breathe.

  “Kendra,” he says quietly. “I never stopped loving you.” He grips my fingers so tightly that I feel like he’s trying to draw me into him, as he continues. “I was fucked up in the head and I needed to get my shit clear. Which I did. Now everything is clear as day.” He looks up at me, and there’s so much love and worship in his eyes. “I fucking love you obsessively. I want you to be my wife. Please say yes. Be my partner, by my side. You’re the one who made be believe I could be better, and there’s no one else I’d rather spend my life with.”

  I draw in a shattered breath. My emotions are running rampant in my heart. I want this man so badly, have missed him more than anything. And knowing that he’s felt the same? It blows me away. “Yes,” I say.

  Axel rises to his feet and captures my face in his hands. Kisses me, reminds me what he feels like against me, sucks the breath from my lungs. I’m clinging to him, happy and relieved and in love as much as ever as I fall into his arms. I never knew love like I know it with him.

  “I will never push you away again,” he murmurs against my mouth. “I was a fucking moron to let you go. But you’re here now, and I’m never letting you get away again.”

  “Good,” I whisper back. “I don’t want you to.”

  The kiss he sears me with penetrates to my soul. I never dreamed I could feel this strongly about a man. But I love him, more than anything. Axel is the man I always wanted in my life. And now he’s here, and he loves me.

  I don’t know that my life could get any better.

  Epilogue

  Kendra

  Axel comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me, nuzzles my neck. “God, I can’t get enough of your smell,” he says.

  I arch into him, smili
ng. “That’s because you’re a slut,” I say sweetly.

  He reaches up and grips my hair. “Oh, is that right?”

  The flash of pain instantly makes me feel submissive. “God,” I breathe.

  “I told you before,” Axel says, turning me toward him. Biting my collarbones until I squirm. “I’ll be any deity you want me to be.”

  He leads me into our bedroom, pushes me onto the bed. Since he moved in with me last month, we’ve worked on integrating the apartment to make it his, too. But him owning me, possessing me right now? Yeah, that does it.

  Axel strips my pants and shirt off. His gaze is hot and hard as he stares at me in my bra and panties. “Take them off,” he growls.

  A small, bratty part of me is tempted to tell him to take them off me. But I’m so desperate for him that I don’t want any delay. I whip them off and lie before him, bared naked.

  I want my beloved to see me this way. I want him to possess me.

  “Kendra,” he breathes, dipping down to capture my nipple in his mouth. I sigh and arch toward him, dig my fingers into his hair. Oh God, the way he touches me, owns me, it drives me mad. I love the suction of his mouth on me, how his fingers search out my eager skin.

  And he doesn’t disappoint. Minutes later, I’m vibrating beneath him, desperate for him to enter me. Almost begging him to.

  When he slides deep in me, I can’t help the gasp of pleasure that escapes. I wrap my thighs around his waist and draw him deeper.

  Our eyes lock, and every day, every minute, I fall more in love with him than I ever was before. The intensity between us is electric; I writhe against his body as he kisses me all over, nipping me with his teeth. But I want harder.

  “Baby, please,” I beg as I tighten my grip in his hair.

  “Mmmmm.” Axel pauses making love to me, his fingers sliding up to grip the back of my neck. He tugs so hard that I gasp. “My dirty girl needs to be fucked, doesn’t she?”

  “Yes,” I whimper. I want to be a wanton, brazen woman for him.